Well it's a good thing...

....I didn't sign up for the NaPoBlo...whatever. The blog month thingie. I'd have failed at it as well.

NaNo has become a complete bust, and I'm sad about that. I had such great expectations for it and I feel as if I failed. My head and heart just blanked out this year. But the weight of my world and the weight of depression has rained down hard on me for the last ohhhh....year and I just couldn't shake my funk most days of this month to find a spark of creativity. All my thoughts just flitted away when I'd try to write and I'd grow distressed.

For those in this world who don't believe depression is a real thing, I wish you could walk a day in my head. I am my own worst enemy.

There is so little in my life that I'm HAPPY about. I want to have time to do this or that but when I have the time, I don't have the energy or will to. I barely function on a work/sleep/work/sleep sort of schedule. I spend a lot of time hiding out. People in general get on my last nerve and I rarely want to be around them. Then I start worrying about them wanting to be around me, because I isolate.

It's all a cruel cycle. I started on meds, so far...not much effect. I ran my stress levels high enough that it effected my heart, but I can't seem to fix it. Or to find the motivation to even try. I live in an active fantasy world. My real world has been down around my feet in crumbles for sometime now. Everytime I get my house of cards started it topples again.