Disapointments and surpises
So, I have this long standing tradition. My days off are usually designated for meeting my GF online for some one on one roleplay, chatting and just generally hanging out together. (Granted we're both off from work.)
Well, she's having major internet connection issues apparently. Last night we'd manage to chat for a minute or two and then she'd poof. For sometimes as long as an hour. Posts I'd send her would vanish into thin air. She thought maybe it was her wireless internet card. So we made plans to meet on this morning and try again. Well, she has yet to show up at all (and it's 6pm)
I'm disappointed. I love these days we get and we won't get another until next thursday.
Also, I'd been planning on taking time in Febuary to go down and see her. I had planned to go in January...and it hadn't "worked." Well..apparently it won't "work" in febuary as well. I've been pushed back because mothers and old high school friends are also hoping to come to visit. Now by this...I'm a bit hurt. It's been a LONG time since we've gotten together in person and I really wanted this time. And of course, the time will never be "Right". It hasn't been right for years. I just hoped...this time would be different. Sometimes I feel I'm being kept at arms length this way, that she really doesn't want me to come down and see her. Probably because of the state she's in. But damn it, I'm very aware of the state she's in and I want to see her anyway, if only for snuggles and kisses and time on the couch.
We are fundamentally not working, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I feel weird writing this outloud and in public. Partly because it wouldn't be all that hard for her to follow the link to find this blog is up and running again. I haven't been able to really talk to her about this. Not really. She's hurting so much, internally and externally that I don't know how to bring it up, things *I* need. Like the validation of being able to go there in person. Every time I bring it up..gently...it becomes this sort of sore point. So I don't pick at it. But I feel...hurt. I love her, I just want to be able to do that. And yet...I can rationalize her decision. She's deteriorating and doesn't want me to be a witness to that. She thinks it's wasting my life and time and yet...can't let go. And I can't let go of her. I dont' know how or really don't..want to?
I don't want to. But reality of all of this is far to..harsh to deal with 99% of the time. So we don't, we talk about trips to take and visits to make together but we never go and never do and live our lives in seperate states of existance and hope and pray and dream that one day it will all fall into place. That Morgan and chloe will find that ship and set sail...
I don't know what to do. I keep on loving and that's what I'll keep doing but it's hard and it hurts.
It really hurts.
Now, for the surprise. I got a package in the mail. Green and lovely and swedish. Seems somebody sent me "The world's best chocolate!"
Thank you, to that somebody! It's wonderful to have such wonderful friends as you and Lori. It's been a hard year and I've leaned on the two of you a lot, and I'm glad I have you two in my life. I'm blessed! Thank you for thinking of me and for being your wonderful selves!
Well, she's having major internet connection issues apparently. Last night we'd manage to chat for a minute or two and then she'd poof. For sometimes as long as an hour. Posts I'd send her would vanish into thin air. She thought maybe it was her wireless internet card. So we made plans to meet on this morning and try again. Well, she has yet to show up at all (and it's 6pm)
I'm disappointed. I love these days we get and we won't get another until next thursday.
Also, I'd been planning on taking time in Febuary to go down and see her. I had planned to go in January...and it hadn't "worked." Well..apparently it won't "work" in febuary as well. I've been pushed back because mothers and old high school friends are also hoping to come to visit. Now by this...I'm a bit hurt. It's been a LONG time since we've gotten together in person and I really wanted this time. And of course, the time will never be "Right". It hasn't been right for years. I just hoped...this time would be different. Sometimes I feel I'm being kept at arms length this way, that she really doesn't want me to come down and see her. Probably because of the state she's in. But damn it, I'm very aware of the state she's in and I want to see her anyway, if only for snuggles and kisses and time on the couch.
We are fundamentally not working, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I feel weird writing this outloud and in public. Partly because it wouldn't be all that hard for her to follow the link to find this blog is up and running again. I haven't been able to really talk to her about this. Not really. She's hurting so much, internally and externally that I don't know how to bring it up, things *I* need. Like the validation of being able to go there in person. Every time I bring it up..gently...it becomes this sort of sore point. So I don't pick at it. But I feel...hurt. I love her, I just want to be able to do that. And yet...I can rationalize her decision. She's deteriorating and doesn't want me to be a witness to that. She thinks it's wasting my life and time and yet...can't let go. And I can't let go of her. I dont' know how or really don't..want to?
I don't want to. But reality of all of this is far to..harsh to deal with 99% of the time. So we don't, we talk about trips to take and visits to make together but we never go and never do and live our lives in seperate states of existance and hope and pray and dream that one day it will all fall into place. That Morgan and chloe will find that ship and set sail...
I don't know what to do. I keep on loving and that's what I'll keep doing but it's hard and it hurts.
It really hurts.
Now, for the surprise. I got a package in the mail. Green and lovely and swedish. Seems somebody sent me "The world's best chocolate!"
Thank you, to that somebody! It's wonderful to have such wonderful friends as you and Lori. It's been a hard year and I've leaned on the two of you a lot, and I'm glad I have you two in my life. I'm blessed! Thank you for thinking of me and for being your wonderful selves!
posted by Jennifer W at 2:52 PM
2 Comments:
Oh sweetie.. -hugs you tight-.. We've talked about this before. The "place" you are in. And I still don't know if I have the answer for you. The "fix all". Cuz believe you me, if I could "fix" it for you, I would. But just as we are all uniquely different, as individuals, the same is true of relationships, situations, and circumstances we get involved in.
I don't walk in your shoes, just as you do not walk in mine, therefore neither of us can know exactly how our lives are lived. And where one relationship we may have may be easy and another hard, whether it be a "partnership" so to speak or a simple friendship, we treat each differently because there are different people involved in each and each of those people and what they bring to the relationship can be very different, as well. So yes, relationships, of any and every kind, can be "simply complicated" as I've come to call it. It's simple on one hand, because it's there and there are feelings and emotions that surround it and yet they can be very complicated because of those same feelings and emotions.. Yes.. Simply Complicated. And as much as love can be the most wonderful thing to touch our lives, it can also hurt harder than hell at the very same time. ohyeah!!!
All I will add to what I've told you before, is it takes two to nurture every relationship. If one faulters in doing such, was it truly meant to last a lifetime, or was it simply fabulous while it lasted? Only you can determine that, sweetness. And once you do, perhaps you can put everything into perspective and for once be settled with where you are.
As for the "world's best chocolate", it's not bad. Not bad at all. -winks-.. And the swede that sent it is quite a sweetheart in her own right. You're so very right about that one.
Love you sweet chloe. Hang in there. Because yeah, YOU are worth it!.. -hugs you tight and smooches your cheek-
wow Pensive is spot on - I am sorry for your sadness hon - I hope things work out for you - in which ever manner they are supposed to. Never lose site of yourself in any relationship and always love with all your heart knowing that sometimes you will feel heartbreak and sometimes you will feel giddy in love. Live life with as much joy as you can. It will all eventually get you to the place you are supposed to be. ~hugs~
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