Resolution #4

I almost never make new years resolutions, but this year I'm feeling inspired to make some changes, large and small.

1. I will eat healthier. I need changes so that I feel better.

2. I will take time to relax. I've spent the past year in a dead panic about everything that is going on. I still feel that panic, but I'm going to work at taking moments to read. To play. To write. To knit. To take baths. I'm going to work to turn my brain off and try to work off some of the stress I'm feeling.

3. I will TRY to sleep more...reguarly. This goes with my general "Health" kick.

I've already made some positive changes. I've cut my caffiene intake WAY WAY back. I'm trying to eat more reguarly and not this "Grab and go" thing I had been doing at work. I've cut out the stops to fast food places on the way to work, making those only for when my son is along and it's a treat. I have a long ways to go! Perhaps if I make the commitment to blog my progress..it will help. I don't know how many readers I have here, but to those of you who do read, I'd like you to help me with accountability. This year, I hope, will be about re-inventing me.

The truth is, I'm not happy. I haven't been "happy" for a while. I need to fix something and this seems like a place to start. Maybe I should make that resolution #4.

Find Happiness.

Re-inventing Jen

So, I got already to start a diet. Well..okay, not a "diet". I'm going with weightwatchers. It's fairly simple and I like that I CAN have pretty much anything I want....so long as I budget the points and measure the portions. I like that idea, because I don't want to completely give stuff up...but we'll see how that works.

I went to the grocery and bought all the nesecery items to start with, double fiber bread, lots of veggies and fruits...stocks to make soups, whole grain pastas...good stuff!

I started tracking my points although the diet doesn't officialy "Start" yet. It's a bit startling to see! Just eating normal is...wow! I definately need a change, even if it's simple and small to start with. One of my biggest goals is just to pack and eat a regular meal at work. Because I work nights I tend to not pack anything substantial to eat. I usually pack snacky things. I work a regular 8 hour shift so I need to eat a regular meal. And I need to eat regular meals before and after work as well. If I can try to keep to a more "normal" schedule...

That is my plan anyway.

The day before

I work tonight, I work on christmas. I get christmast eve off. Thank goodness.

Work has been wonderfully quiet the past two days. Thank Gods for small favors. I'm sick, I have a bad head/chest cold. I don't feel ambitious enough to work work. I'm glad for a few lazier days.

I miss my girlfriend. She started on a new schedule that is strictly days, where I work strictly nights. It's better for her. A desk job. She hates it. But it keeps her away from sick patients.

I have boxes ready to send to people. They're not sent. Which means they won't be for the holidays. I hate working nights for this reason...the post office is open only when I want to sleep!

I haven't written anything lately. Today, my brain is to fuzzy. Cold medicine makes it so I can't think. I have thoughts but they don't come full circle. Random thoughtlets.

Blah.

Work

Work. Argh.

As a rule, I can't really write or talk about what goes on at work. But somedays I'm sooooo FRUSTRATED. Last night was just one of those nights.

For those of you who don't know, I'm an RN at a psychiatric hospital. I work the adolescent unit which means I get all the "EMO" kids and the very troubled kids. Teenagers on good days are trying but lump in 30 kids with some serious issues into one building...

Some days I want to pull out my hair.

Carry You Home

Watching a loved one die slowly...knowing it's inevitable but there's nothing that can be done to ease their pain...

Today I'll let James say what I can't.


Trouble is her only friend and he's back again
Makes her body older than it really is
And she says it's high time she went away
No ones got much to say in this town
Trouble is the only way is down, down, down

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing
For the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
And I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home

If she had wings she would fly away
And another day god will give her some
Trouble is the only way is down,down,down

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means


I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home

And they're all born pretty
in New York City tonight
and someones little girl
was taken from the world tonight
under the Stars and Stripes

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
And i'll carry you home

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
And I'll carry you home

I'll carry you home

Knitting, writing, cooking and photoshop

I'm a creative person by nature, and I get bored if I'm not in the act of creating something....so here's a rundown of current projects, so you can see how truly scatter brained I am!

Knitting:

On the Needles currently is:

1. A scarf in Moda Dea Sassy Stripes for my sister, using a knit two, purl one ribbing.

2. a huge snuggly poncho using Patons Divine in garter stitch

3. An aran sampler quilt, done in Caron yarn, cheap and wonderful.

Sewing:

1. A twenty patch bag in black and white.

2. A nine patch bag in primary colors.

3. a nine patch bag in brown and pink

Writing:

My oh...my.

Okay, I'm working on four different pieces, not to mention all the starts I have tha need attention.

1. This years NaNo/Vampire/Otherworldly thing.

2. My ongoing and never written western/romance.

3. A scottish highlands romance...

4. A spy story..also a romance (Im in a very romantical mood at the moment...)

and there are a multitude of photoshop creations always in the works. I tend to flit about from thing to thing, finding fragments of inspiration and jumping in head first...only to be distracted by the next shiny object! What I need...is staying power and the commitment to finish something!

Disapointments and surpises

So, I have this long standing tradition. My days off are usually designated for meeting my GF online for some one on one roleplay, chatting and just generally hanging out together. (Granted we're both off from work.)

Well, she's having major internet connection issues apparently. Last night we'd manage to chat for a minute or two and then she'd poof. For sometimes as long as an hour. Posts I'd send her would vanish into thin air. She thought maybe it was her wireless internet card. So we made plans to meet on this morning and try again. Well, she has yet to show up at all (and it's 6pm)

I'm disappointed. I love these days we get and we won't get another until next thursday.

Also, I'd been planning on taking time in Febuary to go down and see her. I had planned to go in January...and it hadn't "worked." Well..apparently it won't "work" in febuary as well. I've been pushed back because mothers and old high school friends are also hoping to come to visit. Now by this...I'm a bit hurt. It's been a LONG time since we've gotten together in person and I really wanted this time. And of course, the time will never be "Right". It hasn't been right for years. I just hoped...this time would be different. Sometimes I feel I'm being kept at arms length this way, that she really doesn't want me to come down and see her. Probably because of the state she's in. But damn it, I'm very aware of the state she's in and I want to see her anyway, if only for snuggles and kisses and time on the couch.

We are fundamentally not working, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I feel weird writing this outloud and in public. Partly because it wouldn't be all that hard for her to follow the link to find this blog is up and running again. I haven't been able to really talk to her about this. Not really. She's hurting so much, internally and externally that I don't know how to bring it up, things *I* need. Like the validation of being able to go there in person. Every time I bring it up..gently...it becomes this sort of sore point. So I don't pick at it. But I feel...hurt. I love her, I just want to be able to do that. And yet...I can rationalize her decision. She's deteriorating and doesn't want me to be a witness to that. She thinks it's wasting my life and time and yet...can't let go. And I can't let go of her. I dont' know how or really don't..want to?

I don't want to. But reality of all of this is far to..harsh to deal with 99% of the time. So we don't, we talk about trips to take and visits to make together but we never go and never do and live our lives in seperate states of existance and hope and pray and dream that one day it will all fall into place. That Morgan and chloe will find that ship and set sail...

I don't know what to do. I keep on loving and that's what I'll keep doing but it's hard and it hurts.

It really hurts.

Now, for the surprise. I got a package in the mail. Green and lovely and swedish. Seems somebody sent me "The world's best chocolate!"

Thank you, to that somebody! It's wonderful to have such wonderful friends as you and Lori. It's been a hard year and I've leaned on the two of you a lot, and I'm glad I have you two in my life. I'm blessed! Thank you for thinking of me and for being your wonderful selves!

Entrenched in Fantasy

Okay...

Those of you know know me KNOW I have this thing for Sean Bean and for Gerry Butler. You may also have guessed at a developing THING for Orlando Bloom and Christian Bale...

I'm not "into" males in real life. It's odd but I really get no "Whew" moments from many of the men I know or meet or see. So why my fascination with actors? Well...my Girlfriend creates characters with them. I fall in love with them. Wildly.

It's all her.

Is this weird? Maybe. Maybe not. It's all a part of who and what we are together. It was writing/gaming that brought us together in the first place so isn't this a natural extension? I think so? Or maybe it's delving to far into fantasy?

I know there are others of you out there who have fallen in love with fellow gamers. What do you think. Do you fall in love with the Characters? Is it the person behind the characters? The bits of themselves they put into each one? Is it wrong to be so entrenched in fantasy that you feel real love for fictional beings?

Hate me so good you can let me out

This song is cathartic....It's kind of scares me that this is where I feel I am Lyrically...but, I am. I just wanted to love....to be loved. So much pain has come in between here and there and with that pain comes isolation fear and yes...resentment. It's a bitter bitter game and yet my heart is still in this. Very much so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlnpedLeGbo&feature=related

what i want from you
is empty your head
they say be true,
don't stain your bed
we do what we need to be free
and it leans on me
like a rootless tree
what i want from us
is empty our minds
we fake a fuss
and fracture the times
we go blind
when we've needed to see
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around

what i want from this
is learn to let go
no not of you
of all that's been told
killers reinvent and believe
and this leans on me
like a rootless...
so fuck you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out of this hell when you're around
let me out...
and fuck you, fuck you, i love you
and all we've been through
i said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
then hate me so good that you can let me out
let me out...
it's hell when you're around